I Was Asleep

Funny that I should come back to my blog when some significant happens in my life.

I just learned new that my Grandpa has died on my father's side. My older sister Jessica called me to tell me. She has just gotten off the phone with my younger sister Cara and was about to call my older brother Shane next.

I was asleep when she called around noon. I was so happy to hear my sister's voice it was kinda like the news didn't even faze me. But then again... I don't suppose I ever really cared for that man... now did I?
When either of my Grandmas go I know that I will be very upset about it. But him?

I really can't sort out my emotions about it.
I heard Cara cried the second Jessica told her. Which in turn made Jessica cry. Me? I was chuckling. I may in fact have the least ties to this man then anyone else in my family. I think I feel mad. Which, granted is a strange emotion to feel about my Grandfather's passing but... there it is. My Dad hates his dad... or perhaps hated. For thirteen years of my life my dad has been telling me how royally he got screwed by that man. He talked about it so often that I toned out what he was talking about and would just get annoyed about him talking. I couldn't do anything about Grandpa so I would continually give my dad advise, which I generally feel he never listened to.

I know that my father has had a similar impact in my life.
Loathing, contempt, fear, anguish. Feeling and emotion that have painted my relationship with my father. however it was only one way. My father has had no such strong emotions towards me. I can only assume that the directions of emotion have also been the same the generation before mine.
How then I wonder. How is it possible to ignore your son so? If you have indeed hurt you son so that you cause him to feel these powerful emotions how is it even conceivable that you would not notice, let alone do anything about it.

I wanted for a long time to talk to grandpa about Dad. I am almost a completely unknown by Grandpa, so I thought it would be good to get some anonymous information out of him. I just wanted to know how it was possible for him not to notice my father. Did his father also treat him as such? Abhorring the father while for getting the son? It feels like a vicious cycle, one I would certainly love to end with me.
Now I will never know. It angers me that one can be guilty of such crimes and then simply be able to forget them and rest. I partly feel like blaming him for my own relationship with my father. But I don't think that has any merit.
I don't think it does me any good to try a muster up some emotions here. I really do not feel anything for this right now. Nothing.

The last time I saw him, Grandpa was sitting on a couch. It was Christmas 2011. He just sat there. He's never said anything to me in my life... we were told this was his last one so the whole family was there but... I remember him sitting alone. Was this some sort of sign to his life. Never letting anyone get close to him? He had five sons, and many more grandchildren. Yet barely any of them would talk to the man on his last Christmas? I remember that I left the party shortly after to go and visit my brother in London.
I never really thought of the event until I was telling my friend back at school about my holidays. I had just spent my last Christmas with this man, yet I couldn't of cared less about going up and talking to him nor staying late to the party at all. It's pitiable.

That's not how I want to be remembered. That's not how I am leading my life. I wish to be surrounded in family. Family I personally know and love and who love me in turn. More then anything, if I am ever granted the chance, I would like to prove myself a more then capable father. Break this horrible cycle.