Travis' Dear Dairy

I am so done communicating.
I have tried over an over to explain how I feel about everything. My views my stand point my struggles...
And time and time again whenever I say it I am just met with constant resistance. Over and over and over and over again.
I feel like I fight so hard so people dream and now that I'm on the fast track to finally achieve mine... I get nothing. I am constantly being pulled down by people. Saying I'm being a bum, immature, that they've lost respect for me.

How loudly can I say this?

I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY LIFE DOING BULLSHIT JOBS FOR BULLSHIT PEOPLE! I've already wasted about seven years trying as hard as I can to get somewhere and where has all my trying and saving and striving lead me? NOWHERE!
NO-FUCKING-WHERE!

I'm still having bullshit jobs for bullshit people slapped across my face. Why is that the mature thing to do? Why do I have to squander my talents trying to please other people?
You know I thought I had solved it. I got married to a wonderful woman, talented and hardworking. She landed an awesome job and at the same time I lost another one of my bullshit jobs.

We talked it through and agreed that I was going to focus on my art.

And so I focused, I've me actively planning and making and doing and constructing and finally when I'm on the cusp of creating it, I get phoned for an interview. What?

She put resume in somewhere and I get called about a job. She thinks it's great.

I'm so frazzled. I have tried so many projects before int eh past and no of them have succeeded. I am on the literal verge of reaching my goal, everything is in place and I just need a little bit more time to do the leg work... and I get hit with this? Not only that but she got my cousin and even a dude who has been helping me with this project say that I need to stop and get this bullshit job.

I have never wanted my life to end so quickly.

If suicide was as easy as a clicking a button, I would have done it today. No problem.

I was abused growing up and the man that did it never had to answer for it. I watched him live a bullshit life always wanting more but failing to do anything for himself. Let alone his kids.
Then he fried his brains on drugs. So there really is no more chatting with him or getting closure here. I just have to live with it.

I've become talented in art. And I have many inspirations but every time, every time someone goes against me like that, tries to force me into doing some piece of bullshit I don't care about for our lord up-high; a paycheck, it always feels like my fathers fist punching into my skull.
I've been beaten too many times to take it again. I can't take it again, I fight back!
I will never let anyone abuse me again! I will never let someone force me into completing their bullshit!
NEVER A FUCKING AGAIN!

I have dreams and goals I will reach! I will be worth something! I'm not just batting practice!
Because if this world is going to force me into it's bullshit mold, this world can go on with out me, I'm out.