So I haven't blogged in a while.
I cannot think of why I haven't... I just haven't.
I'm pretty upset lately.
And since I'm pretty sure nobody will read this I've decided to use it as a tirade for my life right now.
So Yeah I've been pretty upset... pretty being a very understantment way of putting it. You see. I have a number of things on my mind and way I see my life heading that I just don't want.
The biggest problem in my mind right now... is that I don't have a home. A home is a place where you feel comfortable in. Almost like an escape a safe zone. No dangers or anything. I have been migrating back and forth between my brother's and sister's house for the past couple of days. And I would really like to live there but there is no room for a younger brother in a marriage.
My home that should be my home is where my father live. He and I just seem to be butting heads more and more as the years go on. I suppose I know why. I don't respect that drugged up monster and since he's learnt that he doesn't give me an ounce of respect either. Actually I'm certain he never has. If he did he wouldn't of been drinking himself into a coma when I was a child and beating me senseless. Yeah I refuse to believe that a human could to that.
I know I can be lazy and I try not to be. I really do! But he doesn't see my efforts... And I guess when it boils down to it... I don't want him to. If he wants me to act respectable and just stay out of his way you'd better believe that I'm not going to be doing that. The way for my dad to earn my respect is to completely change. And that's sad because I except him to. I mean he's my dad... I should love him. I should be able to think of Christmas gifts and try to make him proud of me. But no! That is not the case. No wonder I act so weird. I'm not manly at all. How does somebody expect me to act manly when that was my leading male role model? He's my "what not to do" example!
He's turned into such a stubborn old cot I'm pretty sure he'll never change. I'll never have a father in which I can share a normal relationship with. I only have one in which I tolerate and loathe. Not to mention he hates everything about me too. I mean I hate drugs he loves them. I love animals he hates them. My old house... my old home... he's taken over. While I was away it slipped away from me. My friends... my family... it all feels so far away.
I can't really call my house in Toronto my home either. I only own a tiny little room. I can't do the things I like to do. Things ain't where I want them to be. It just isn't me. Not to mention everyone who gives a shit if I live or die are miles upon miles away. I guess I don't have a place I belong right now.
Since everybody has been returning to their schools and work and on with their lives and I have been continuing on with winter break... I've never felt so alone. I could of been drawing. I could of been beating some video games I've been dyeing to play. But I didn't I was checking facebook over and over. Why? It was when I was reloading it multiple times within fifteen minutes that I realized that something was wrong. I can't believe how lonely I can be.
I really want someone to hold. Some to care for. Who cares for me two. I mean there are a number of people I suppose that I would like to be with. Actually there is even some one who I want but I know I can't have them because she doesn't love me. And I can't get over her. Am I holding onto my inhibitions too much? Is that what is preventing me from contacting her? Or it that is what stopping me from trying to find someone new? There is a hole right here. That I know a love will fill. I guess it's my own fault because I'm so picky. There is only a few I will allow to get close to me like that. But how I wish that people would try. There is something that always stops me. I'm scared. This hole hurts so much. I'm so afraid of trying. If I fail I know I'll be crushed... And then when I think about how saveir it could be I wonder if their worth the risk. Like I've had dreams of the perfect partner. And if they don't roughly fit, will everything work out? How do you go about deciding all of this? I need to stop this pain inside of me but how does one do that? If I seek out a partner to hard I might mess up big time. I should just let time flow it's course. And what happens happens... But this pain... it makes me want to fight it. How do you make yourself like someone? How do you know which path to choose? What about time? It's ticking! I wanted to be married at this point in my life. I want to choose and go in with no regrets. But how to I shake the shackles of my former expectations? How?
Not to mention I'm not even certain I will find anybody in my life time.
How perfect would that be? I want to fall in love with someone but I never do? How sad.
I know I have been putting on weight this Christmas season. And especially if I want to try and find somebody to love. But there is another part of me that want the person I fall in love with to love me exactly how I am. And want to be with me no matter how I look. My facial hair is starting to grow in faster too. I won't be too much longer before I'll have to shave regularly. Not to mention my haircut sucks and I'll have to grow it our for a while before I can do anything about that. I don't like having a flabby belly. It's not comfortable to sit with. And it presses against my shirt and makes me feel all awkward. I know I have not been treating my body very well. Especially this Christmas season. How have I riddled my life with so many problems?
I'm pretty sure I've become addicted to two things. I'm sorta just realizing it now as I type this out to myself. Food. I'm addicted to eating. Well I guess it fills the time. But I like to eat things while I do almost anything too. Also the biggest the portions and the more unhealthy it is too the more I enjoy it as well. I's gross... Yeah I suppose now that that has been brought to light I'd better not do it any more.
Also I spend money to much... Why? I seem to get a lot of stuff that I don't need... Geez. How did I mess all this up?
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGH! Am I'm to complete my schooling to achieve my dreams like this?
I don't feel like I'm myself. I don't feel like I can be. The person I wanna be. Someone who everyone admires and respects... someone who I admire and respect.
It's the last day before I head back up to Toronto and begin my second semester of first year animation. It's going to be very hard. Very hard indeed. I believe I can do it. I just need to conquer these road blocks in my life so that I can put my all into that program. My ideals of family and my dreams. I want to reach them.
I suppose my disappointments, dreams, flaws and questions brought to light have helped me relive all this worry. Now I know what's the matter so I can fix it. Yes I feel much better. Thank you blog.
5 comments:
Well I'm glad your blog helped, but isn't it sad that no one will read it to comment and helps you out because you changed the address? :(
What a sad post you have given me to think about.
That last comment was me. i didn't know I was signed in as you... lol
Hi travis, so first of all i think that people at school care about you a great deal, so don't think that your existence means nothing to us. Don't underestimate us as friends~
i sort of relate to your feelings about a true home too though, but in a very different way. but i don't really have a solution for it. it's something to learn to overcome or to ignore, i guess.
Hey, I clicked over here from Rose's, which I do every so often, because I am a total creeper. I obviously don't know you very well, but I do know this: you're too cool a guy feel so lost, and it makes me sad that you feel that way. Here is my unsolicited advice for the day:
1. Think about who you want to be.
2. Pick one or two S.M.A.R.T. (http://www.topachievement.com/smart.html) goals that will get you closer to being that self; make them as uncomplicated as possible.
3. Throw yourself at those goals with reckless, passionate abandon.
4. Don't be afraid to be introspective, but not at the expense of achieving what you want from life.*
5. Go back to Step 1, and trust that the difficult stuff, like love, will follow.
*Tangent: This includes happiness, which I assume is something you want from life. Further Tangent: You do not have to feel obligated to live up to the expectations of any person you do not respect, let alone love that person.
On another topic, I have listened to more Owl City and decided that I like The Postal Service better. If you haven't checked them out yet, I would suggest you do!
Smile,
Emily
I read your blog. I check it almost every day.
Travis, I've said this time and time again... and it never really sinks in, so hopefully it does this time:
If you ever, ever, EVER need someone to talk to I'm here for you. As long as I live you will not be alone. So the next time you feel like this call me, that's why you have me on that my5 plan of yours. Use it, Travy-Chan.
<3
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